job search notes: Honor yourself

You Teach People How to Treat You
by Christine Kane

There I was in Web Guy's office.

He was having a moment of overwhelm. He complained that clients were calling on weekends and late at night. No one was honoring his schedule. He was frustrated.

I told him what I learned many years ago. It's a fundamental truth that has served me (and my coaching clients) immensely. It is this:

You teach people how to treat you.

His eyes lit up. He couldn't believe it was that simple. And the more we talked, the more excited he got. (I refrained from calling him Grasshopper.)

So, what does it mean?

It means that it all comes back to YOU. It's up to you to allow or not allow certain treatment. It also means that you have to get clear about how you want to be treated. It means that you have to take responsibility for writing your own Owner's Manual, and hold yourself accountable for living by it.

Here are four steps for teaching people how to treat you.

1 - Start by Knowing What You Want (and What You Don't Want)

Pick an area of your life where you want to be treated differently. Describe how you'd like to be treated. Or, write about what you don't want.

For instance, when I first began to apply this work to my performances, I knew that I no longer wanted to stay in hotels that scared me. (Promoters often lodge musicians in dives.) I had to start there because I didn't yet know how to ask for what I wanted.

You'll probably have some obvious beginning points. For instance, if you're tired of people wasting your time with latest office drama, you might decide, "I don't allow people to gossip in my presence."

Simple? Yes. But it's amazing how many of us allow these kinds of interactions without ever making necessary changes.

2 - Learn from your Current Situation

Ask yourself how you've allowed certain behaviors from others.

Choose one situation where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself how you allowed this to happen. You'll be amazed to see that often you choose to ignore your own needs or desires.

This process can show you where you get triggered. For instance, you might be tempted to say, "Well, I don't have a choice! He makes me feel guilty if I don't do it his way!"

Bingo! There's your trigger. Guilt!

Acknowledge that you allowed the situation so that you could avoid feeling guilty. Then, recognize that guilt is a trigger that will tempt you to ignore your own Owner's Manual. This is a valuable awareness to have.

Back to my hotel room example:

I had allowed years of unacceptable treatment on the road because I had a fear of being called a "diva," and of losing gigs. Once, when I told a promoter I wanted a different hotel, she retorted, "Everyone stays there! No one has ever complained before!" I felt myself shrink. "But all the kids are doing it!" is a trigger. I saw the trigger, and I was able to honor my needs in that situation.

3 - Honor It and Practice It

This is a process, not an event.

It's not a one-time thing. When you've taught people how to treat you one way, it can take some time to change that pattern.

One reason people struggle with this is that they wait until they're triggered before they attempt to set boundaries. Try not to communicate when you're in a highly charged emotional state. Most likely, you're not teaching people how to treat you. You're probably blaming them and making yourself into the victim.

Instead, wait until you get calm, then start with Step #2. Take the necessary course of action to right the situation.

4 - Teach YOU How to Treat You When That's the Only Choice

Not everyone is going to honor your requests or your clarity. Sometimes it'll have to be YOU who treats you well.

In my hotel room example, there were times where contractually, I couldn't ask for a better room. So, I opted instead to pay for my own room and move myself to a better hotel. "I don't stay in hotel rooms that scare me," means that I don't allow it. Period. If I don't honor that, then I won't feel safe with me.

You must include yourself in your equation. If you've told your clients that you don't take business calls on weekends, then don't make business calls on weekends.

Honor yourself. This is the best way to teach people how to treat you!

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WANT TO USE THIS ARTICLE IN YOUR E-ZINE OR WEB SITE?

Please do! Just be sure to include this complete blurb with it:

Performer, songwriter, and creativity consultant Christine Kane publishes her 'LiveCreative' weekly ezine with more than 4,000 subscribers. If you want to be the artist of your life and create authentic and lasting success, you can sign up for a FRE*E subscription to LiveCreative at www.christinekane.com.

WANT TO SEE HUNDREDS MORE ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE?
See Christine's blog - Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous - at ChristineKane.com/blog.

"make education more fun"

With a little help from friends and bloggers, I'll be launching a new series of programs about the Fun of Teaching and Learning. The programs will include presentations and workshops that focus on the psychology, sociology, and dynamics of fun in learning and teaching.

As advertised, they will be about the fun of teaching as much as the fun of learning, and I hope to offer them at every level of education.

This from the funsmith, Bernie Dekoven at Deepfun where you can get more details and contact info if you are interested.

Bernie's concepts are near and dear to me. I don't believe you can go wrong where there is fun involved!

System broken?

from David Warlick at 2 Cents Worth comes this tidbit:

Update: I think that more to the point is that my state, North Carolina, needs 10,000 new teachers every year, and all of our schools of education graduate on 3,500. According to a May 2002 Raleigh News & Observer story, only 2,200 of those teachers enter the classroom.¹ We can’t afford to send teachers out ill-prepared. Again, no blame to a system that’s worked for years. The blame goes to those who remain satisfied with a system that’s worked for years. We need to hack that system.

Read the full posting here.

Teaching for the Future - Dr Scott McLeod interview

Dave LaMorte who does a good podcast called Teaching for the Future has a recent episode with Dr. Scott McLeod whose work has been referenced here previously.

Dave and Scott discuss a posting that Scott made about some YouTube videos showing disturbing teacher-student interactions in the classroom that was captured by student cell phones.

They thoughtfully explore multiple aspects of this story, amongst them:

• Once a video is posted of one of these incidents, what should you do?
• What do you do to help avert these kinds of incidents?
• Should cell phones be allowed in the classroom?

Well worth a listen. Click through to Scott's site to review his original posting.

With PodCamp Boston 3 on the horizon, this is the kind of stuff you can find amongst the podcampers. Dave and I worked together on the Welcome Desk for PodCamp Boston.

Are you going to be at PodCamp Boston 3?

It is a good reason to come to Boston in July!

All children need a laptop. Not a computer, but a human laptop

All children need a laptop. Not a computer, but a human laptop. Moms, Dads, Grannies and Grandpas, Aunts, Uncles – someone to hold them, read to them, teach them. Loved ones who will embrace them and pass on the experience, rituals and knowledge of a hundred previous generations. Loved ones who will pass to the next generation their expectations of them, their hopes, and their dreams.

General Colin L. Powell (Founder, America’s Promise – the Alliance for Youth)

via Rosa Say & Dean Boyer at The Teaching with Aloha Blog

Quote for the day

I have always believed that teaching was the second greatest occupation that the human mind and energy can undertake. . . . the most important is learning.

James Dickey

Quotes & Links

From AJ Hoge writing at Hobopoet comes this acknowledgment:

What this little experiment has taught me is that the key to being a successful micro-preneur is simply this-- START. I can't tell you how many years I wasted THINKING about starting my own little project. I dreamed. I analyzed. I planned.

I suppose these activities had some psychological value-- helping me overcome doubts, fears, and hesitations.. but thats about it. Beyond that, it was just a lot of wasted time and energy.

The key to becoming financially independent is not a super idea, or a genius plan, or the amazing thing that no one else has ever thought of. The key is to simply start something-- anything. Just start and then adapt. That's all it really takes.

Read the full post here. Explore AJ's new venture site here.

From Rhea writing at the Boomer Chronicles the seltzer comes gushing:

Do you remember I wrote about bottled water a couple of weeks ago and why we shouldn’t be buying it?

That got me to thinking. If I want to curb my bottled-water buying, why am I still buying seltzer? I live on the stuff. The seltzer with the lime flavor, the seltzer with the black cherry flavor, the seltzer with the cranberry flavor, and so on.

Then I remembered there are little machines you can buy to make seltzer at home. I went online and did some research. I found the Soda Club, a company that’s been making seltzer makers since 1903.

Read the full post here.

From Grammar Girl who has a blog and accompanying podcast:

I know it's upsetting to find out that your nearest and dearest beliefs are wrong, so this week, I'm going to talk about my own mistaken pet peeve: it bugs me to no end when people use “while” to mean “although,” but no matter how hard I looked I couldn't convince myself that I was right. The horror!

You see, I think “although” means “in spite of the fact that,” as in “Although Sir Fragalot was tall, Squiggly and the aardvark considered him an equal.” “Although” is what's called a concessive conjunction, meaning that it is used to express a concession. On the other hand, I think that “while” should be reserved to mean “at the same time,” as in “While Squiggly gathered wood, aardvark hid the marimbas.”

To find out the last work on 'although' vs. 'while', check out the full posting.

That's all for now folks, enjoy the language and water sandwich!